show must go on~

I must go on forgiving myself. Stop pleasing the world. Stop apologizing. Stop now.

i haven’t been my usual giving self lately

I believe in God but am still shamed into believing that I am not good enough on many levels. I must let this go. now, now now

I don’t know the alchemical process this involves. I am doing all I can to be complete, physical, mental and spiritual.

I can’t let go that I am not the worse sinner to ever live.

I could list a litany of infractions, dishonesty being at the top.

I am a people pleaser and when I think of it try to be a God pleaser. But it gets tiring.

Today was one of those days. Tried to pump up some enthusiasm for my adult daughter’s tic toc video of us making goat’s milk soap, lavender with petals for relaxation and scrubbing, and also cinnamon coffee oatmeal kind as well.

It is a very relaxing process and the result yields many months of good smelling soap.

This is my physical alchemy for the day.

Mental- took a long walk with a friend at the park, good for the body and brain.

Spiritual, day of resting from unnecessary chores, talking with my friend on the walk about the divinity of Christ. I believe Christ is God so by definition I am Christian. But I refuse to consider myself a Protestant because I have so much admiration for the Catholic Faith and am not protesting it.

I am not above it but rather outside of it.

I am not new age.

I study alchemy.

The show must go on because this fisad we call life, is nothing but a grand performance that we are all puppets in. Pretty awesome puppets though.

I fought with God today and let Him win. It was better for me in a major decision. And I have more time for my studies which include Thoreau, Mortimer Adler and alchemy primers.

It will take me years to get through my studies. I read one page and I ponder it and then I ponder it some more and look ahead to the chapters discussing it further. And then I ponder it some more. Deep thoughts, light thoughts and everything in between.

I learned that emotions stem from the spiritual self and that thoughts emerge from the mental self. I find this quite interesting to say the least and more pondering tonight as I apply it to my current state which is shame for a few unkind but true words I said today to my adult daughter.

I must go on forgiving myself. Stop pleasing the world. Stop apologizing. Stop now.

So I leave you with as much peace, love and joy as I can muster

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